The... History of the Doughnut

The Prolonged and Completely Accurate History of the Creation of the Doughnut

One nondescript person might not think the history of the Doughnut to be something of the story. That is where this nondescript person would be completely and utterly wrong. Another nondescript person would probably be able to recognize the first nondescript person by their bland personality, poor choice of clothing, steep forehead, gaping mouth, and lesser intellect. You see, this second nondescript person is evolved and well learned, thus, he can recognize an imbecile when one is present, especially one who is vastly unfamiliar with one of time's most treasured confectionary delights. This title, of course, belongs to none other than the humble doughnut.

Now pardon the harsh judgment, but I assume that you are somewhere between the first nondescript person and the second nondescript person. Clearly you either do not know or cannot comprehend the wealth of knowledge enveloped around the doughnut, or you are eager to seek the truth after being lied to all these years by men in white hats. Either way, I present you with this tale of the creation the Doughnut. It is unabridged, completely true, and a truly riveting tale!

The initial creation of the doughnut can be traced back to the ages of dough, batter, and other moist wheat flour products. This age took several hundreds of years to reach and almost did not happen due to the lack of care taken in proceeding ages. The first age was the age of smashing things sticks and branches, and that was promptly followed by the age of smashing sticks with rocks. It is assumed that some freak accident involving the flammable nature of wood, land sponges, and the sparking tendency of certain rocks being hurtled towards each other led to the inevitable discovery of fire.

From the discovery of fire came the age of burning absolutely everything that can burn. Had it not been for fact that this took place during a rather cloudy era that stunted the growth of wheat, it might have perished in the same fiery death that the explosively flammable land sponge and the tree urchin did. It is worth mentioning that the land sponge, had it survived the harsh age of fire,  may have accelerated the creation of the doughnut as, when a land sponge is placed in a broth of nitrates, has a tendency to evolve at a rapid pace. For this reason, the land sponge is a protected species on all other planets where the intelligent species have not already killed them off. The land sponge, when placed in the nitrate bath, also turns into a sticky zygotic mass which can be used in several bread recipes and, more importantly, doughnuts. Unfortunately, Earth will never know such a delicacy as the explosive dust the land sponges of Earth produced in order to repel moths led them becoming one the most entertaining objects to burn aside from obese witches and sky spiders (each led to their extinction in 1605 and -888, respectively).

It would not be long before the first three ages of discovery began to morph into one. Rocks were being put on the end of sticks in order to break objects in such a way that they were intact enough to be moved over a fire, where it would be burned. This led to sustainable fire creation, and promptly led to cooking in perhaps the greatest series of coincidences in the history of man kind.

Due to the fires that raged about the world for most of the year, many of the forest has burned down. This led to a shortage in berries, and the humans had yet to develop a reliable shovel to excavate the wealth of ground potatoes beneath them. It also happened that somebody decided to not only kill a wooly fox, but was also trying to burn it. At first, it was just another thing to burn and it wasn't burning, so it was rotated over the fire with little progress. Once the rain started falling and the berry hunters came back with nothing, the empty stomachs of the humans began to crave the new smell of burning flesh. This, along with a chromosomal error that was becoming dominant, led to the humans consuming, digesting, and enjoying meat.

After discovering that meat was edible when cooked, the humans began to question what other things could be cooked and consumed. This curiosity, along with several ages of discovery and destruction, led to the discovery of wheat being crushed into flour. It is believed wheat was pulverized in either the thirteenth or fourteenth age of crushing things with rocks. This was not, however, senseless smashing. Alas, this is where the art of pulverizing things became a subject passed down for generations. Wheat, gently ground between two rocks, formed a powder that, if kept dry, burned. This senseless burning of wheat powder is what kept the tradition going into the age of experimentation.

Humans had been consuming animals and animal products for hundreds of years by this time, all thanks to a very unique chromosomal error that also led to hair thinning over the body and a discontent nature in having long finger nails. After hundreds of years of salads and steaks, the humans finally began to ask what other things could be used as food. They craved something that would accompany bacon and eggs, and it would not be long before the heavens opened and flooded one of the desert caverns the wheat power was stored in.

This is the haziest part of the history of the doughnut. It is a well known fact that water flooded the wheat powder cavern and formed a pasty goo, but where yeast came from is unknown. Some believe that it was a form the land sponge evolved into and had chosen to live on the safety of wheat and certain other plants. Others think it was an alien implant in order to further the evolution of man. Either way, had it not been for the bubbling yeast and the wonderful smell it produced in the flour, the humans would have surely disposed of the goo. Thankfully, they did not, and upon trying to burn some of the goo inside a crude bowl made from the shell of the now extinct volcano turtle, a new substance was formed. Thankfully for the chromosomal error, humans tasted this new substance and instantly fell in love with it. This fluffy loaf of cooked wheat goo quickly became a staple in the diets of humans, most notably in breakfast when somebody decided to toast the glorious creation.

There was a notorious halt in the progress of moist wheat during the dark ages of technology. With everybody trying appease their god(s), sacrifices became the new trend. Apostles everywhere were soaring back to the ancient foundations of sacrificial burnings, and our wheat-based friend became an a popular choice of god kibble. Some religious fiends claimed that bread was not a proper sacrifice and that meat was the way to go. Of course, little did these fools know that the gods hated earth meats and actually cherished the bread. Fortunately, bread won the war on sacrifices, as it was determined that whatever mysterious creature was causing the bread to rise was clearly being killed in the process of baking. Thus, bread became the choice sacrifice and the age of dough, batter, and other moist wheat powder products fell into full swing.

With the urge to satisfy the gods with new breads, all new kinds of methods of baking and new recipes flooded the land. It would not be long before sugar and other confectionary delights were introduced into the world of bread. Sweet bread appeased the people so much that they eventually began to forget to make sacrifices. This unfortunate mistake as the god's starved to death. Not because of a lack of food, but because they were so fat from the overconsumption of carbs over the years that they became reliant on the sacrifices simply appearing beside them. When the food stopped coming, they were unable to move themselves to the kitchens. As is why no significant miracles have been seen in the thousands of years the proceeded their deaths outside of the miracles certain earthbound gods unknowingly performed. The deaths were also rather unfortunate because the gods never got to taste the most heavenly creation that appeared not four minutes after the last god (Malphesto, god of self-inflicted toe wounds) died of a chromosomal disease he acquired upon trying to consume the nearby body of the deceased Lumbre, god of static electricity.

As Malphesto died, his final act of power was to cause a young cook to stub his toe against a misplaced corner of a table, which Malphesto hoped would result in the cook knocking over a poorly placed basket of bread into a nearby fire, perhaps giving Malphesto some much desired nourishment. However, the cook went in a state of rage rather and, rather than knock over the shelf, he kicked the table, which spilt a bowel of sugary dough rings into a vat of boiling grease. The cook was infuriated and pulled the dough rings out of the vat only to find that they had cooked. Amazed, the cook had his eldest daughter try one and, after she was verified alive, introduced the "Glazed Cake Wheel."

Now begins the lush history of the early doughnut and the impact it had on life as you know it.

The "Glazed Cake Wheel" suffered an unfortunate fate when first introduced into the world market. The majority of the world culture felt that a cake not cooked in an oven was a sin and would send them straight to hell. They also felt that the idea of a cake cooked with a hole in it was representative of the void held by sinners, and once again trashed the initial doughnut market. This did not, however, terminate consumption of the heavenly delights. An underground market arose for the consumption and enjoyment of doughnuts. Wealthy individuals would pay a large sum to enjoy the treats. Most would shroud themselves with a blessed blanket to hide the shame they had in eating the doughnuts. Those who were unlucky enough to have been caught eating a doughnut were cut open in public and had their innards "cleansed" with molten oils.

This practice would continue for years until fried foods became gradually acceptable. Once more, doughnuts were hot on the market with the new name of "Cake Rings." The change came from a subtle hint of shame and a lust to revolutionize the product. Doughnuts could be purchased plain, powered, and with several other unique toppings and additives. Doughnuts were stored and used as food on the trip across the great ocean in search of new land. However, the doughnuts became hard and were unfit for eating. The lonely crew began to use them for pegging seagulls and fish. Unfortunately, they started being used for unspoken pleasures. One feeble crew member, growing sick of verbal harassment for his feminine stature and the waste of what he considered to be perfectly edible doughnuts, wrote several letters to the queen and the Catholic church. Once again, this resulted in an embargo of doughnuts and relatively unremembered holocaust.

Many doughnut lovers fled to what is today Ireland with the hope of freedom from persecution and the wealth of potatoes, which could be used to make doughnuts that where called "Spudnoughts." This is the first reference to an early doughnut containing not only the rough equivalent of "nut," but also having all the letters to spell "doughnut." It was in Ireland, however, that the doughnut lovers fell victim to not only an untimely potato famine, but a ruthless attack from the Catholic battalion. The first and second ranks attempted to annihilate the entire population of Ireland, but were grossly misinformed as to the population of the country and to the size of the island. It was believed that it was a small island in the shape of a doughnut with no more than 2000 inhabitants. This error in communication did halt the mass slaughtering of a vast majority of the Irish population slightly, but it still resulted in thousands of lives being lost in addition to the thousands lost already due to mass starvation.

The Catholics, after burning and purifying the land, attempted to further cover up the atrocities by repopulating the land with drunken farmers. It's very possible doughnuts would have vaporized from history, but that was not the case. Some of the doughnuts and the cooks who made them that were cast into the sea managed to survive and wash up to the shores of modern day Mexico. One cook found his way to the Aztec culture and introduce the doughnut. Chocolate, finding its way into both the dough and the glaze, had created the most amazing food item known to the modern world. Within seven years of the inception of the chocolate doughnut, one young Aztec boy decided to step outside the social norm not remove the center of the doughnuts. This resulted in difficulty in cooking it completely, so he placed two layers atop one another and put a fruity filling inside. Thus, the jelly doughnut was introduced into the world.

The Spanish soon conquered the Aztec civilization and took from them gold, chocolate, chili peppers, and a long forgotten cake treat. The doughnut once more made it's way back to the world market, to the Catholic Churches dismay. It wouldn't be long before this treat once more lead to persecution and forced an entire populous to a remote land called America.

America, after several wars and conflicts, gained freedom from the British Empire and could indulge in whatever fried pastries they so desired. Over the next several hundred years, America became the clogged heartland of greasy foods with doughnuts as the staple of breakfast and of snacking.

In the end, doughnuts had an amazing journey through history. To this day, it still baffles historians that the doughnut survived and didn't become another misinterpreted wall painting or bible story. Luckily, doughnuts are a treat we call all enjoy in this new era peace and tranquility.